Sit Down a Spell and I'll Tell You a Story

Love you, Grandma, and sorry for upsetting you!

First off, I need to apologize to my grandmother for nearly giving her a heart attack with the City Boy Cheating post the other day. She didn't appreciate it. She let me know she didn't appreciate with some rather fowl typing...and I quote: Well, of all the %^&*##%*&^@ I'm not exactly sure what she was saying, but I suspect it's a not so polite way of saying she didn't appreciate it. Sorry, Grandma.

Recently a friend, who shall remain E-less, posed a question on the soaping forum we both belong to. She asked what our most embarrassing moment was. This is something I hadn't given much thought to as I rarely have embarrassing moments. I am, as City Boy says (often), a boring person, rarely giving cause for uncontrolled giggles to those around me. So it took a good long time for me to come up with, "Well, once I accidentally walked into the men's room." It likely would have been more embarrassing if it had been full of men.

I tried not to give the question much more thought, but the other girls had better stories than I did, and you know how competitive I am. I finally remembered City Boy's and my first date, where I'd had a cold and when I laughed, boogers came out of my nose. Yeah, that was a bit embarrassing (and still the guy asked me out again...even marrying me, go figure!) But even the booger date didn't seem like enough to win the competition.

Therefore, I have fabricated a story that I'm sure will win. And honestly, it's truly fictional, and never happened. I'm just making it up so that I win the most embarrassing moment competition over at the soap forum. You'll let me know if it needs tweaking, right? Okay, here it goes:

City Boy and I were out grocery shopping one afternoon when I had to go use the rest room. Rest rooms in grocery stores aren't very big, and this one was no exception. As you know, there is always a line to get into the ladies room. Today was no exception, and we were packed like clowns in a Volkswagen bug waiting for the next available stall to open up.

It was finally my turn and I rushed in without paying much attention to what the woman exiting had to say. I slammed the door closed, only to have it fly back at me. No latch. Okay, I can deal with this. I gently pushed it closed, hoping it would stay that way. It didn't. A kind soul on the outside told me she'd hold it, thankfully, because I wasn't able to hold much of anything at this point and really needed to go.

Shortly thereafter I realized there was no toilet paper in the stall. Hmmm...could that be what the lady coming out had been trying to tell me? Well, I sucked up a bit of embarrassment and quietly asked the woman in the stall next to me if she could pass some under the wall. After a bit of snickering from the peanut gallery outside my door (and a bit of a disgusted grunt from my neighbor) I got some toilet paper.

I was just finishing up when the door began to swing open. The kind soul who'd been holding it closed was rushing to use the neighboring stall, which had just opened up. I quickly flushed, yanked up my pants and tried to keep the stall door closed so as to reserve just a wee bit of dignity. That's when my cell phone rang. The vibrator was on, so it jolted me a bit and I jumped. And when I jumped, the phone jumped also...landing in the toilet (which fortunately was filling up with clean water.) I reached in to grab it without thinking...and of course the door had swung wide open at this point, giving a half dozen women and one little girl a full view of me fishing around in the public toilet with my bare hand.

I shook off the cell phone, smiled cheerily and said, "Got it!" They were not amused (except the little girl, of course, because bathroom humor always seems to get to them.)

I dried off the phone and washed my hands, once again thankful the water had been clean, although I must admit that even clean toilet water rather grosses a person out. I left the rest room and found City Boy, half done with the shopping by now and wondering what had taken me so long. Turns out it had been him calling me, thinking I couldn't find him in the grocery store. Great.

A bit later while we were in the checkout line, I heard a giggle. Then I heard the voice of a little girl two lines over saying (loudly, of course), "Look, Mommy, it's the lady who was fishing in the potty!"

And that's my story. But remember, it's not true. I made it all up just so I could win the most embarrassing story thread. Honest! Do you think I'll win?