Bandits!

...or...

The Night City Boy Tried to Kill Me

I was at the chiropractor the other day when we got to talking about my old friend the possum. Dr. E listened in a bit of disbelief as I told him how the possum wasn't playing, astounded that I would even consider saving one of those enormous, filthy rats. I tried explaining to him how lovely they really were, how soft their fur was...how... Well, it didn't matter how 'anything' they were, he said he considered them targets while driving. Poor possums.

I'm not really sure why we were talking possum, but from there it was only a natural leap to raccoons. Yet another 'beady eyed' critter he'd rather be without. Can you imagine??? I think raccoons are perfectly delightful creatures. Sure, they carry parasites that are deadly to we humans; parasites that will invade our brain tissue (which is why you ought not allow your youngsters to play near raccoon dens.) To win Dr. E over, I felt compelled to tell him the story of Edwina.

Years ago, Edwina would come for dinner each night. We knew she was a girl because she had huge, saggy bosoms. (I wonder if Victoria's Secret makes a bra for raccoons? Edwina sure needed one.) The kids and I enjoyed feeding Edwina; we'd toss cat food out into the lawn and watch her reach out with one 'hand', feeling for the food while never taking her eyes off from us. One day we tossed a left over hot dog out to Edwina. She felt around in the grass for her cat food and was amazed to come up with a meat like substance! Snagging her prize and stuffing the end of it into her mouth, she ran off into the woods looking much like a little old man with a cigar.

This image did not convince Dr. E that he should befriend raccoons, so I told another tale.

There was a time, many years back, when City Boy and I lived in town. City Boy worked shift work; on those nights when he'd come home at 12:30 am, he'd make himself something to eat and then sit in front of the TV watching the only thing on that time of night...horror movies! Most of the movies were pretty B rate, but one particular night City Boy found himself getting drawn in. A little spooked from the movie, he thought he heard the front door knob rattle. His eyes shifted from the TV to the door. Nothing happened, so he turned back to the television, sure that it was just his imagination.

A moment went by, and he heard the rattle again. Now just a bit concerned, he turned to the door again. This time another rattle followed almost immediately, and he saw the knob moving! Understandably, City Boy was a bit concerned.

Quietly he snuck into our bedroom where I was asleep. He began to rummage about in the closet, which is when I woke up to find my husband standing along side our bed with a pistol in his hand. Reason does not dwell in my head when I ought to be sleeping, so the sight of this gun toting husband slinking around in the dark was not exactly putting visions of sugar plums in my head. However, I did spring from my bed in an effort to save myself from whatever fate he'd dreamed up for me. Too bad my legs got caught up in the blankets, tripping me and sending my sprawling face first onto the floor. Some get-away! Certain that I was a goner, I turned in fear to face him.

That's when he hushed me and told me to be quiet, and slipped out the backdoor into the night. I was completely clueless as to what was going on. Should I go out behind him? Should I call the police? Should I hide under the covers? Considering I was only clad in an over sized t-shirt, I opted for the last option. No point in running outside half naked, and what would I tell the police? That my husband wasn't going to kill me after all?

A minute later City Boy came back inside and put the gun away. "What on earth is going on?" I asked in a hushed, yet somewhat angry tone (now that I was sure he wasn't going to murder me!) That's when he told me that the door knob had been rattling, and that someone had been outside. I'm certain I turned white as a ghost. I felt weak; whatever was in my stomach was threatening to make a rapid exit as I listened to his story.

Pressed up against the side of the house, City Boy had slipped along in the shadows until he reached the front sidewalk. Holding the pistol out in front of him, he quickly stepped around the corner, ready to surprise who ever it was on our front porch. Well...he sure did surprise the guy. Out on our front porch was the biggest raccoon he'd ever seen, standing up on his hind legs and trying to open our front door! Seems no one left any cat food out and he thought he'd just help himself.

After that, City Boy always made certain there was a bowl of cat food out for the masked bandit.